Forget the Family Doctor...We're Going Medieval on This Disease and Calling The Barber!

A year into our marriage (2002) my husband Matt and I were faced with the first of many trials to shake the foundations of our marriage. Matt was diagnosed with a Butt Cut. To this day I blame myself. I should have known. He was displaying all the classic symptoms. His mom expressed concern the Thanksgiving before his January diagnosis. (Apparently this is genetic. Matt's uncle also suffers from this disorder, but on his back...) I noticed that his condition only worsened over the holidays. It was time to seek help when one weekend he was talking to me and I said "Stop bending over and show me your face when you talk to me " and he replied, "This is my face." I knew then that only an intervention could stop this cycle. So I called Stewart, he was licensed by the state for this type of thing. And Stewart came through for us. Stewart sat him down in a chair and asked, "What are we going to do today?" He was assessing the level of Matt's denial by seeing how Matt would answer. Would Matt enthusiastically show him a picture of then-popular Russell Crowe that he had clipped out of People magazine? Or would he shrug his shoulders and just say "Trim around the baseball cap"? Instead, my overwhelmed darling looked to me for help. He remained speechless. Stewart picked up on his hesitancy and decided to work the steps with my afflicted husband.

1) I must recognize and admit I am powerless to a bad haircut.

2) I must realize that a Power (Stewart) greater than myself can restore me from a bad haircut.

3) I must decide to turn over my desire for a Butt Cut over to the care of Stewart.

4)I must wear a smock while turning over my Butt Cut to Stewart.

5) I must admit to Stewart, to myself, and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongful Butt Cut.

6) I must ask Stewart to remove the Butt Cut

7) I must make a list of all persons who have been harmed by looking directly at my Butt Cut and become willing to make amends to those persons.

8) I must have my scalp massaged and cleansed with aromatic concoctions.

9) I must call my sponsor if I am ever tempted to grow a Butt Cut.

10) I must regularly(every 5 weeks) visit Stewart for maintenance.

11) I must daily wear hair gel and hair wax as Butt Cut prevention

12) Having had a Hair Style awakening as the result of these steps, I must carry my message to others sporting a Butt Cut and to practice a life free of Butt Cuts.

Matt has been Butt Cut sober for the last 9 years. But it wasn't all easy. Matt experienced a setback in his progression of the Steps. Particularly Step 10. Five weeks into his newly manscaped head, Matt returned for his first maintenance appointment. In his effort to show his earnestness in recovering from this disease, he agreed to Stewart's suggestion of highlights, also known as a "shoe shine". Stewart deposited Matt into Erma's chair. Between Erma talking on the cell phone and possibly inhaling too many fumes from the colorant, Erma bleached the entirety of Matt's head. He looked absolutely ridiculous. Boy Band ridiculous. If he had busted out into a rendition of Bye Bye Bye I might have sued.

And a couple of years ago things became tense. He decided to shave his head. I suspected that maybe he was fighting a Butt Cut relapse. "Shaving your head isn't the answer", I cried while he set his clippers to 1 and his lovely (sparse, but lovely nonetheless) locks fell on his shoulders. He never did admit to any Butt Cut cravings. And maybe shaving his head was the answer. But it was such an unorthodox move in treating this disease. I would call it radical. But those dark days are behind us now. He's allowed his hair to grow in, sporting a mid-level management style. And his new stylist/barber in New York has taken his recovery to the next step and performed a uni-brow dissection. That's right, folks. My husband now has two eyebrows. Thanks, Vinny!